Many of us have friends that come into our lives and stay in our hearts forever. Sometimes, those friendships are so intense and move so fast, that they only last a few years and are doomed to crash and burn. There's a relationship I had with a girl who was so close to me I considered her to be my soul sister. After knowing her for nearly two years, our friendship ended in flaming fury.
We were both newcomers to the porn industry at the time. We met at a model-house in Miami where both of us stayed for some time. I remember how she came to the house in a taxi from the airport, swinging her long arms in the air, announcing her arrival. She was an unapologetic, raging storm and I loved that. We were instantly connected.
The two of us were inseparable. We went to each other's shoots, borrowed clothes from one another, even confided in each other. Getting an apartment together in Los Angeles was the eventual demise of our union. Some people do very well to live with their best friend. In our case, with the inclusion of drugs, alcohol, and heavy partying, we were thrown into new chaos that we were not prepared to withstand.
At the time we moved in to our expensive Studio City apartment I was at a peak in my porn career, whereas she had just decided to leave the industry. She'd been in porn for two years and developed her own steady income. Also, we'd both been using heavy drugs on a daily basis, to pacify the life challenges, anxieties and depression gained by an uncounseled adult entertainer in her early twenties.
Looking back, I could sense a disconnect as soon as we became comfortable in the house. I was still involved in the industry she left and didn't care for anymore. I don't recall how it started, but our kinship turned into a war. We would argue about something, any little thing, every day. Being the storm that she was, her voice would be so loud and forceful as if to pierce my soul.
It had gotten to the point where I felt nervous just waking up in the morning, preparing to argue or debate. The energy in our place had turned hostile, slamming doors and claiming the living area, confining one another to our rooms. She would talk about her hatred towards me on the phone, loud enough for me to undoubtedly hear.
After only two months in the apartment we shared, I made the decision to leave her. We were so disconnected, past the point of reasoning, that I took the time to plan my escape: Finding a one bedroom in the same apartment complex, slowly packing my things, and hiring movers for a target date. A couple days before my exit, I called to let her know what day I planned to remove myself from our shared space. Then I spent those next couple of nights away and on the day I promised, I left without a trace.
I haven't been that close to any girl outside my biological family, since. Our friendship and it's end were things I held in my heart for a long time. I was so upset at my own behavior (however blurry) and knew that our separation was impactful for the both of us. I had no idea what life she'd built after we split. I would think about her often, hoping she's all right and making a fabulous life for herself. After four years, I had no contact. I couldn't find her anywhere on social media.
Some months ago, I'd met with our mutual friends in Miami and I expressed to them how much I missed her and wished to find her. They felt my sincerity, and showed me her private Instagram account. It was under a creative name, hidden so as not to be found. I was brought to tears with the joy I felt upon seeing her for the first time in so long, and I immediately requested to be her friend.
I was overjoyed when she accepted! I felt it was past time to reach out and share my thoughts. I wrote to her through Direct Messaging about how I think of her all the time and desire to reconnect. "You were never a friend to me," She responded, telling me how she does not forgive me because I did not "think twice about fucking me over".
I apologized. I wrote that I "regret the way our friendship ended and wish to apologize, for any pain I've caused, in person someday". I wrote that I still pray for her after all these years. Then she responded "Thanks, two-faced bitch" and blocked me. My heart sunk.
There have been a few other friendships that were destroyed by my hand in the past, (all of which were led by the influence heavy drugs and alcohol during an indulgent time in my life). Since then, I've grown so much, and now have the willingness to reach out, apologize, and be forgiven by most of the people affected by my reckless behavior. All except one.
Acceptance and Peace
I learned about the three lanes of life, recently. My lane. Their lane. God's lane. I can only control my actions and not those of anyone else. I could not open my long lost sister up to the idea of forgiving me; Nonetheless, I have forgiven myself. I also remember that misery loves company, and she may not be in a place with the capacity for forgiveness right now. So I release it to the Universe.
We can do our best to reach out and touch people. We can do the work it takes to become whole, attaining forgiveness, acceptance, and peace. However, if someone is not meant to be in our lives, they won't be. We must then trust that it is all for the greater good of a much larger plan than our own.
Reina Gattuso explained, for Talk Space: "Understanding the root cause of our behavior doesn’t excuse it, but it does lead to greater compassion and self-awareness, and empowers us to move forward. Forgiving ourselves in this way can literally be life-saving, and can also help us become more empathetic toward others."
I was hurt by her counter to my connection and I could have allowed it to affect my new-found peace and progress, but I trust that I was pushed away for reasons greater than my own understanding. I choose positive transformation over negative tarnishing. I'm happy that I was able to connect after four years of wondering. Even though I did not get the response I wanted, so be it. Forward. Only forward.