Oh, man. How would I describe my entire experience of the last twelve months and boil it down in a nutshell?. I can say that this has been a year of advantaged freedom. I did most everything I wanted to do without fear; from traveling through Europe to taking as many skill classes as I could muster the courage to try.
I’ve been auditioning for mainstream films just to get the hang of it. I’ve taken international trips without notice, just because I could. Sometimes, I’d sleep in till noon just because I felt like it. This has been a year of doing the things I imagine myself doing without anyone telling me I couldn’t; which has its consequences, but I wanted to take charge of this rare moment of flexibility in my lifetime.
I went this entire year without committing to a stable relationship. I wanted to do the work it would take to heal as much as I could from not only my last break-up but all heartbreaks that have come before. I wanted to fall in love with myself without creating some false idea of who I am through the energy of someone else. This year, I told myself I would take as long as it took to feel truly eligible for my own idea of a great man.
I’ve been through numerous amounts of fleeting new friends and I’ve even reconnected with old ones I never thought I’d speak to again. Those reunions were precious to me and I’m grateful for our evident alignment, and also proud of myself for allowing that love back into my life.
I’m sitting here, comfortably, worry-free with endless possibilities at my disposal. I think about all the people around the world who would kill for my freedom and ability to choose whatever direction they wanted to move in whenever they felt like it. It may seem like I’m bragging somewhat but I’m only able to see this light, having come from so much darkness.
I don’t want to misuse this blessing and a lot of times it doesn’t feel like a blessing at all. There’re still deep waves of depression that wash over me from time to time. What keeps me going is the knowledge that everything I’ve been through and overcome has made me stronger, more experienced, wiser and more prepared for so many challenges life may have for me in the future.
A lot of times I get very sad when I think about the high contrast between where I am and where I want to be. I refuse to accept the limitations of the stigmas that surround my current occupation as a porn actress. I have dreams and ideas that frighten me, but they’re mine all the same. Many times I get discouraged because I haven’t found a tribe of people who share the same ideas for a future, who might be able to help me or lift me up in times of doubt. But that’s okay, and I’ll carry on until the day I do.
I know that one day when I’m making all the right choices, the right people will come along. Every day I pray to make my heart more receptive to those kinds of people; those kindred spirits. I fear I may have already run some of those people out of my life and didn’t even know it. But, I have to believe that’s okay too. Because every moment of our lives are defined by the choices we make and if I wasn’t ready, then I just wasn’t ready.
This year I want to overcome a lot of the self-sabotaging thoughts that hold me back from taking chances, like: “You’re too damaged to fall in love so easily.” “Your porn career will overshadow you and hold you down farther than it would anyone else.” “You’re too stubborn for anything good to happen on its own.” “You have to think twice, if not three times, before taking a risk because you’ve been through too much already.” “You won’t be anyone other than a sex symbol” “Everyone you meet will recognize you, look you up on his phone and start whispering about you, causing you to become uncomfortable wherever you go.” ALL LIES.
My birthday’s in January, so I’ve already started planning what I’ll do for myself. I’ve booked a trip to Bali, Indonesia where I’ll stay at a nice, boutique hotel on the beach, meditate, meet with a shaman, learn to surf and reconnect with myself even more.
I’ve also gone through my old photos to put together a birthday album. Looking back at how far I’ve come, I think I’ve come a very long way. I can pinpoint moments when I wanted to simply give up. I’ve wanted to call it quits more times than I can count and sitting here today as I take a deep breath in my cozy Georgia house with my family downstairs cooking a hot meal on New Year’s Eve makes me so grateful I didn’t give in to those deceitful thoughts.
We have all done things we’re not proud of and desire to erase those pages and start over, especially when we see other people who seemingly have it better than we do. The ability to keep going is one I’m forever grateful for. Looking back, I’ve always known I’m meant for a great mission. I know in my heart that a sex symbol is not even the smallest grain of who I’m meant to be. So each day I’m given is one I have to cherish, making new choices to move forward towards that ultimate individual.
Sometimes when I don’t know what to do, or I feel like I’ve done all I can as a woman on her own, I do nothing. I sleep. I read a book. I meditate. Sometimes it feels like it’s not enough, but I refuse to burn myself out. I refuse to take steps in a direction that’s not my own. I know people who truly believe that if they’re not working nonstop they’re not doing enough. That “Money never sleeps, so I won’t either” mindset is one I’ve never had. I have always enjoyed doing things I’m good at for long periods of time, but if I’m tired, anyone who knows me can tell you, I’ll rest.
This year I want to feel more assured in my choices, that each step I take is one for my own true greater good. When I’m blessed with children, I’ll take steps for them. Until then, it’s just me and the spirits that guide me.
I like being able to hear them, to feel them surrounding me when I’m still. There’ve been times when I was moving way too fast to hear or feel anything but what my eyes could see. The time I considered myself an alcoholic after four different trips to the hospital for alcohol intolerance and regularly attending AA meetings was a trying time; However, I’ve decided not to let anything control me in such a way that I feel powerless to it. So I’ve done the work to overcome that battle, and that’s a personal choice I know everyone doesn’t have the will to pursue.
There are so many things still I want to do with this life and so many things I wish could have transpired differently, but I’m thankful all the same. This year, I hope to listen more, not only to myself but the wisdom that surrounds me and the voices I feel are spoken for my ears alone. This year I want to attract friends, lovers, and opportunities set in place for me to enjoy without guilt or shame. I think it’s high time
I allowed myself to live without so much fear or mistrust of my own life path.
Overall, I want to leave a lasting legacy of a girl who never gave up. I want to continue moving toward the things I love that make my heart sing; Listening to criticism but not letting it discourage me, taking risks that I believe in, and building a life I can be sure my family and future children will be proud of.
I don’t exactly know what this year holds for me since I’m on the verge of walking down so many different paths, from taking a job as a flight attendant to acting in major mainstream films, to continuing my work as an erotic artist. All I truly know is how grateful I am for my opportunities and the love I receive from my family, and how grounded I’ve become in my own self-assurance. This year, I’d like to expand on that growth and do all I can to help others grow too.