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Darkness

When I created this blog, I had a mind to write honestly and helpfully in any way possible. I still do. However, it’s been difficult to move past my heartbreak to write about anything. This pain that follows me around like a loyal pet, it refuses to stray no matter my efforts to heal.


“Sometimes a broken heart can mend something else’s brokenness”

― Munia Khan


I’ve tried “getting back out there” by accepting dates by men who’ve shown interest in the past and even using dating apps. The obstacle I face is in the form of a brick wall much taller than my line of sight. I want to laugh sincerely at jokes and be receptive to a warm kiss, but my heart will not allow me to just yet.


An average day for me can be described as forceful fun. I force myself to engage in the things I like, hoping it will push me closer to repair. Doing this brings many situations where I feel so happy I could burst. However, when the situation ends, the clouds roll in and darkness makes itself stubbornly prominent. In return, I find myself getting comfortable in this absence of light like a warm blanket as if it were invited. Perhaps, maybe it is.


“But, truly, the darkness is simply a piece of the whole, neither good nor evil unless you make it so.”

― Jenna Maclaine, Bound By Sin


Fellowship with close friends, spectacular dates with eligible men, even really great ice cream all lose their flavor when I’m alone with my thoughts. I keep thinking about what mistakes I made to have led myself to love a man whose heart was always guarded. It belonged to someone else and I refused to acknowledge it. Now, it’s in possession of its true owner and the two of them are currently engaged.


“Out of the millions and millions of people who inhabit this planet, he is one of the tiny few I can never have.”

― Tabitha Suzuma


Something I’m quite used to, being used for a fair exchange. In this case, I took fairness out of the equation when I decided to involve my heart. How can I avoid this in the future? The thought is keeping me from allowing love and new friendship into my life, at this moment. I feel closed-off, broken, and deeply embarrassed.


It feels like my pain radiates from a core place inside me, so I hide. I’ve been hiding behind my work, throwing myself into anything that makes me feel like I’m progressing in ways I can control. I’ve read several books, set up my own photo shoots, organized girls’ night out, adopted an exercise routine, and many more activities you could think of to try to stay active with a broken heart. None of these things compare to finding true solace in my own body.


People may read this and think “there’s always a way to look on the bright side” but I know that a flame such as relative happiness, no matter how bright, always burns out. The only solution I seek and whole-heartedly believe to be real is creating a life of absolute happiness within myself. That, my friends, is the most difficult to acquire and takes more time than you can imagine.


“Change is inevitable. Progression is a choice. We all move, but are you going to move forward?”

― Ricky Maye


For me, being alone, away from immediate family, and living as a public sex symbol is devastatingly challenging. But, I wake up in the morning feeling grateful to have even done so, and start my day with prayer having faith that my present day will be better than the last. Either that, or fall into despair and become immobilized from anguish.


I see myself having the life I desire with a successful marriage, travel opportunities, children of my own, and many booming businesses. The way I see it, I’ll only be able to  make these dreams become reality once I surrender fully to the will of the universe. I’d like to mature in the way that’s meant for me so that I can be of better service to my community, my friends, my family and my purpose.


“When we are in love, we are convinced nobody else will do. But as time goes by, others do do, and often do do, much much better.”

― Coco J. Ginger


With steady effort and belief in our own abilities, we can achieve great things. I write about the burden of my weighing pain, knowing it will be proven temporary one day. That day, unfortunately, does not feel nearby at all.


“you

not wanting me was the beginning of me wanting myself thank you” 

― Nayyirah Waheed

©2019 Anya Ivy

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