Breakups SUCK harder than I do.

Yes, you’ve guessed it right. Someone in his right mind decided to end a two-year relationship with me, and it sucks. He said to me, and I quote, “I’m still in love with my ex I was with for ten years. I want to try to work things out with her.”

It’s kind of comical to me in a few ways. One being that most people had no clue I was committed to one guy this entire time. Also, because I knew our relationship would sink eventually but, of course, ignored the signs and tried my best to run things on my own terms. Like, “No life! You change when I get ready!” With that said, let’s dive into reality.

There was a nineteen year age gap between the two of us. It’s one thing I know that kept us from seeing eye to eye about a lot, especially in this digital era. Our relationship worked for the simple fact that we both gave each other lots of freedom. I work as porn actress, traveling, filming, and engaging in the whirlwind of the entertainment scene. He’s a former international model, now in real estate, who has two children (both of whom live with their mothers) and is walking through over three years of sobriety. So, overall it worked very well to live our own lives and once together, we would create a  “bubble” of our very own.

Looking back, I see that wasn’t healthy. I see a whole lot of things now, actually. My womanly instincts and intuitions were never off the marker. I remember when I started to find old photos of his ex-girlfriend, framed, on display in his study as if he were reminiscing over her. I also remember taking the photos and shoving them to the bottom drawers of his desk as if to subliminally say, “I don’t want you looking at her”, as if his feelings would just disappear.

I remember when I made the decision to break my sobriety. When we were sober together, we were closer than we had ever been. However, no one should stay sober for the sake of someone else and as I explained before, I live a completely different life. So, I eased back into the world of temporary relief and in turn, slowly grew further from him. In my head, I believed he would accept me even though he verbally expressed his understanding. In truth, it was the water that made our slope even more slippery.

Once his responses got extremely, unreasonably late, I could feel the change in the air. He would call back from a missed call, maybe the next day. He would respond to a text later that evening or not at all if it wasn’t urgent. That feeling sucks donkey ass. I’m not kidding. It feels like a huge black hole in the pit of your gut, sucking out the air you breathe in, leaving you exhausted. The feeling of falling with no end, to love and not be loved back.

I’ve had to take some time and regroup, as I suggest everyone do after a major breakup. The Journal of Positive Psychology suggests that for most people, it takes just three months to be rid of the heartache. I’ve been at my home in Atlanta, GA away from everything and everyone in the jungle of Los Angeles. Reflection is one the best ways to fix yourself up and move on. I have already gotten out my rebellious rebound antics and expressed my sadness in the following ways:

  • Lots of rebound sex with hometown boy toy

  • Cried my eyes out while listening to Adele 19 and eating a full plate of bacon

  • Partied at strip clubs with rappers who throw lots of money

  • Did ecstasy with European tourists at the club

  • Sat in complete isolation under the stars at night

“Grief does shape us in big ways,” says Lodro Rinser, a meditation instructor and author of the the new book Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heartbroken.

Now, I’m in a stage of self realization and a burning desire to sling-shot myself into my next chapter. There’s so much I have yet to accomplish. So, if homeboy does not want to be a part of that, I have to make room for the person who does. Most articles online suggest writing a goodbye letter to sort out all the things that worked and what didn’t in the relationship. Fuck that. I knew what was good, like the time we genuinely shared and conversations that would make each others lives better; and what was bad, like not exactly moving to the beat of the same drum. Ultimately, we weren’t fighting for a common goal so we came to a fork in the road. That’s it.

I want now, more than ever, to dive into all the things I love about myself. I want to utilize all my talents more often, such as painting, dancing, singing, writing and just being more present socially. None of which I ever did with him. Damn.

I’m focused on how to reconnect with my PFE (Purpose For Existence). There’s a book a friend suggested I read called “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle that’s supposed to help me live in the moment, especially during this trial of my life. I’ll be sure to write a review once I’ve read it all.

Phew! I didn’t know how freeing it would be to actually write about this personal tragedy. I’ve written countless notes on this subject because it was so heavy on my heart. After a while, I said to myself, “You gotta get this out. It’s the last shovel of dirt that will shine the light at the end of this tunnel, Anya.” So here it is! A new journey for me, some new insight for readers, and many major lessons learned.